Tag: self-awareness

Parenting – Beauty and pain in letting go

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I felt this pain, a happiness together with gratitude and sadness, when I stopped breast feeding my daughter. It was a beautiful experience.

I was a bit worried about how it will be for her, and didn’t expect those mixed feelings I went through, that I heard about from some other mothers. My daughter accepted it with no stress, no problem at all. For some time, I was thinking about stopping breast feeding and I talked to my daughter about how sometime soon it will be the time when she will no longer have this kind of sweet comfort available, but she will still always have me around being there for her. I prepared her for that moment, she knew it was coming. One night I felt I made a decision this is the night. I told my beautiful baby girl (14 months old) that tonight she will go to sleep without breast feeding and asked if that was OK. I kissed her good night and her dad stayed with her until she went to sleep. I went outside on the balcony and cried of both happiness and sadness at the same time. She did not cry at all, she didn’t try to get her nightcap, she was calm and accepting, and I was so happy and thankful for that experience. I felt like I have lost something by gaining so much more in return. I felt like this is it, next step it will be she is off to college or something… I felt the separation in its beauty and pain, I realized that that pain was my fear of letting go and I accepted the inevitability of change.

Next time I felt a little bit like that was when my daughter went to kindergarten. This time it was a little bit harder for us both, but we went through it, each by her own and together with each other… It was the time for me to finally commit myself to my work, this was the beginning of a new phase…

When my daughter started school, I felt joy and gratitude, and an enjoyment of being a parent together with my husband watching our child growing up and becoming more and more independent.

Thank you, my darling ❤️, for being you, for being in my life, for teaching me important lessons of love, teaching me patience and acceptance, and for giving me an opportunity to grow and be a better version of myself so that I can be of a better service to you, your father, our family and friends, and the rest of the world. I am happy, and in peace and love, and I wish the same to everyone!

* Featured painting is one of my computer graphics, titled “Separation”. I created it when my daughter started kindergarten.

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Trauma healing – getting to know yourself better

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What would happen if the level of consciousness on this planet rise? How could this world we live in right now look like?

Sometimes people do “good” unconscious of they are doing something bad, and sometimes people consciously do bad things to others convinced that they work for the greater good. The motives are essentially the same. Some “help” and others revenge, but both want good for themselves, they want to feel noble and loved. Both were injured and “damaged” and if they could bring to consciousness their own traumas and forgive those who caused these traumas to them, if they could thank their trauma inflictors for teaching them valuable lessons about life and love, and ultimately if they could forgive their wounded selves for all the bad consciously or unconsciously committed to others, they would be free and truly happy.

Is there really “good and evil”? Or is there only love we all have the access to, but we are the ones keeping ourselves far from it and unaware of that?

Featured image is the detail of Composition 67 from my “Beauty is in Details” series. It was painted with love while contemplating dark side of everything and how to accept it within me. The key is in understanding and loving every aspect of self, because only than one can decide to let go of that what they do not need anymore…

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What was that, Madam? Not the playground, you say?

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Some of us weren’t allowed to be children so we don’t allow it to others.

Do you remember your childhood? Were you constantly stopped in your efforts for your own good? Did you hear the word NO a lot? How did that feel? How does it feel now?

In my case, I was “protected” a lot together with explanation “You can’t do that…You are too little, or you are too weak…” So I grew up believing I can’t do whatever I really want to do, and I stop myself a lot before I even try.

Now I am a parent to a beautiful little girl, and I am doing my best, as my parents did their best, to “protect” her. But at least I have come to understanding that it is not my job to protect her but to guide her and to take care of her in the way that she can learn her own limitations as well as her strength. I put my own fear and worries aside as much as I can to free her from my own problems, and let her learn from her own mistakes. Well, obviously you can’t just let your child try to fly through the window, but you can talk to them and sincerely and truthfully explain the situation and why it is dangerous. I have soooo much debating with my kid. It is how I practice patience and communication skills, and I thank her for that ❤️.

And now back to the title of this post… When my daughter was 2.5 / 3 years old, she was learning how to ride that bicycle with only wheels, no pedals… So we went to the park one day, as many times before and after, and on our way to there, my kid accidentally pushed herself with the bike onto one middle age woman, a little bit older than me, and she started giving us (me) the lesson… Our immediate apology wasn’t accepted and she went on and on how the street isn’t the playground and got really angry and yelling how she is also a mother and she would not and did not allow her children to ride the bike anywhere outside the park or playground… She got really worked up over that… My daughter was slightly upset and I just explained to her that she has to be more careful and aware of what is in front of her and around her all the time… And that was that. She had never made the same mistake, if it was in her ability.

But the anxious feeling was there with me still some time after that event. So, I needed to express it on the “paper” (in this case on the screen) and started painting the featured title painting (shown here is a segment of the original) and I ended up expressing all the feelings from my childhood when I was told what I did wrong without the compassion and an explanation, with only anger, shame and fear. This is probably how I learned to stop myself from enjoying the moment of exploring new things and building confidence and developed the fear and being overcautious about everything…

Probably the same feelings went to the surface of that woman and she couldn’t do anything but to let it out and reflect it on us. So, I realized she couldn’t be compassionate about it because she too was probably judged and couldn’t get in touch with her inner child.

Some of us weren’t allowed to be children so we don’t allow it to others.

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I didn’t use to wear colors

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Colors are visible with the presence of the light, the more light there is, colors are brighter. Where there is no light there is only darkness.

I used to wear dark colors, or no colors at all. Didn’t feel comfortable wearing colors, it felt like they are not a part of me. I always wear clothes that match my inner experience, so it was quite normal for me to wear black and no color clothes from teenage years up until my mid 30thies. I wasn’t utterly gloomy person, just wasn’t aware of the colors I wear on the inside, and even if I was, I was too shy to show them… I didn’t want to stand out, but also, I couldn’t see myself as a colorful person. In my designs at that time (I worked as a web and graphic designer) I was also stingy when it comes to colors, I can see it clearly now…The only time I really enjoyed colors was in the nature, and sometimes when I was able to express them on paper, in small dosage of course… I didn’t paint that much because I had no real joy inside to express it on the outside… I didn’t like myself that much.

It was only when I “hit the bottom” in neglecting my true nature, and started a real work on myself, that I could slowly get rid of my dark clothes and was comfortable wearing bright yellow for example, even pink… (earlier in my life I couldn’t understand how can someone wear pink 😊). I opened myself to be able to receive the light and I could finally see all the colors inside of me, and reflect them outside.

And now all I can paint is color. I never plan what I will paint, and what color to use, I just let it all out. Sometimes I get my inspiration in meditation, but mostly I am painting and meditating at the same time. And I am enjoying it. I paint all that joy on the paper, and it stays there for everybody who is open to take it in.

Colors are a part of us. They are in nature and of nature. They can make us feel good because by taking them in we become more connected with nature. Darkness is also a part of us, and we are usually afraid of letting the light in to see what ever there is in the dark… But we forget, only in the light we can see all the colors…

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SYNCHRONICITY or “MEANINGFUL COINCIDENCE” – how it relates to creativity

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Maybe you’ve noticed them (meaningful coincidences), maybe you haven’t, they happen to me often. Here is a typical example from the other day, I remembered it this morning together with the featured song.

The last few weeks I’ve been working a lot and I forget to take a break, my daughter suffers a bit too, but at least I always find some time for her, no matter how busy it is…So the other day, the neighbors invited us, the girls go to class together, to come and play. I planned to stay for a short time and return home to work, and let the girls play… When we arrived, us the parents started talking. TV was on, there was some series on… and we talk about Netflix and how it removes quickly movies that we really want to watch again, like “Bohemian Rhapsody” for example… and I went on saying that Freddie is my number 1 and then I remembered, um, Bowie is also my number 1, but TOGETHER they are my number 1… And I went on how I don’t go to the cinema that much, but for the movie about Freddie and the one about Bowie I even went to the cinema… And at that moment, “Under Pressure” starts on the TV in the middle of the series… And in that song, there was a clear message for me: “Stay and hang out…” And I tend to listen when the Universe talks to me :). It was such a great hang out and such fun for the girls and us parents, and I really needed it!!!

That was my story about synchronicity. I experience it frequently and use it to be mindful of the moment it is occurring and to see what messages and signals my soul is trying to bring to my attention. I also meditate regularly and since I started it 10 years ago, this kind of events started to grab my attention and they increased over time, that is I feel I am more connected with my soul and its purpose in this life. I use also this experience and meditation for my work, and my art (featured picture is a detail from my digital painting “Surprised”), and it makes me more open and more creative. And above all IT IS FUN 😊.

Here is some more on synchronicity *

In psychology, synchronicity is a concept developed by Carl G. Jung, Swiss psychologist. It is described as the occurrence of meaningful coincidences that seem to have no cause. Jung wrote, “I found where ‘coincidences’ which were connected so meaningfully that their ‘chance’ concurrence would represent a degree of improbability that would have to be expressed by an astronomical figure.” The underlying idea is that there is unity in diversity.

Meaningful coincidence is a broad description of unforeseen external events that elicit some benefit (or change) to the observer. Jung used the term synchronicity to describe this class of phenomena. Synchronicity has been associated with serendipitous occurrences such as Newton’s apple and Archimedes’s bathwater as well as a host of parapsychological phenomena including telepathy, precognition, retrocognition, remote viewing/healing, psychokinesis, and poltergeists. According to Jung’s model, the external event and the inner state of the observer are not connected causally but by a mutual resonance of meaning called the archetype, a construct containing symbol or myth.

Synchronicity has several domain-based relationships with the concept of creativity – through psychology, through biology, through chaos theory mathematics, and through the new physics. When synchronicity and social interaction are combined, it alters the neural system in the brain. This change is supported by biophysical evidence. Positive feelings experienced by the participants of a synchronous collaboration have been documented. Mindfulness also has a positive influence on the level of synchrony between people. It is studied how meditation is an important component to increasing mindfulness (and in turn synchronicity) in working relationships. Studies show synchrony enhances perception, altruistic behavior, and sociability.   

* (borrowed from HERE.)

I will conclude that meditation and mindfulness can bring only benefits for the society. There are tons of studies on that subject online you can read and study.

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Scripts from Neverland: The power of manifestation, myth or truth?

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Here’s how it’s done… If you really want something, you can make it happen. You need to accept the current factual situation that you don’t have it, and accept the idea, i.e. the possibility that you may never have it, and be OK with yourself in that probability…

My daughter M (6yo) wanted a gold medal in judo because it’s the only one she doesn’t have yet. Not because it’s the best medal there is, but because she would have a complete with it. The other day there was the judo tournament. M didn’t want to go because she was afraid that she would be the smallest again and that she would again have to fight with bigger kids and lose. We explained to her that no one expects her to win, let her think about not giving up and try, let her do her best and enjoy the event.

She took heart and still fought. She was the smallest and fought with a heavier category (they say if the difference is up to half a kg, you can try with a heavier category). She lost in both fights, 2:0… She was satisfied with how she fought and was happy and smiling all the time, happy because she was fighting with her friends.

At the awards, they called her the only one from her category and awarded her a gold medal, and then in the next category she got a bronze because there were only 2 other girls with her in that category… No one expected that, least of all her…

Did she get a gold medal? Now she has a set 😉 …

Featured painting shows a detail of my digital painting titled: “Crazy but True”. It celebrates synchronicities in life and the power of manifestation.

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My Art Is Who I Am

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Who am I? I think anyone asks themselves that question from time to time, it is what makes us humans. We are creative and curious beings having this moment by moment experience of life, trying to figure out what is it all about. Some of us don’t think about it a lot, and some of us enjoy exploring the outer world which inevitably brings us to our inner universe, and if we are curious and experimental enough we may see that there is no outer and inner world, there is only one big consciousness experiencing itself. At least this is how I see it. I could be wrong though :)… Anything is possible in my book…

One thing I know for sure is that if I don’t express myself I will die… well, I will get sick first (as I did) because my spirit will have to let me know I have forgotten about why I am here right now in this life :).

So… When I was a little girl I knew in my heart that I am an artist, and I also wanted to be a singer :D. When I finished my schooling and got a job I thought this was it… But I forgot to nurture my soul that wants to truly express itself. Finally I got back to painting and sculpting (felting) thanks to my daughter who was old enough to pick up a coloring pencil in her cute and crafty little hands, and needed some company in exploring what is she capable of.

Now I am loving myself as much as I love my family, frends, and life itself, and I am expressing that love on the paper or canvas to feel alive, to get to know myself over and over, to get in touch with the source… I find colors inspiring and to me shapes are just a “vessel” for them. When I paint, I am meditating and expressing what I am feeling in the moment, being completely focused on the process of creating, and enjoying it.

Each of my paintings has a story within it, a motivational insight – the detail of my on-going adventure of finding and losing myself while trying to find balance.

Do you know that we are all made of the whole spectrum of colors and by looking at them we can remember having them within?

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Children are a reflection of us

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Through my own parenting experience, I see and confirm every day what I have learned, which is that children are our mirror, that they totally absorb our energy, our mood, our joy, our sadness, our doubts, our enthusiasm, our peace and our fear.… and they automatically and instantly react to what they feel from us, drawing everything through themselves and experiencing it as their own.

Yesterday, it was not clear to me why my daughter had so much self-doubt in her creativity, and fear that she was drawing wrong, and that she would never be good at drawing, but in fact she creates such wonderful pictures (even according to the template, because her interpretations are more alive and full of spirit). And we as parents encourage and support and advise her the way we should actually advise and support ourselves, because what she feels are essentially my own self-doubts and fears that I am doing wrong and that I might not succeed…

I realized again this morning for the umpteenth time, how we actually influence our children, other people and the environment in general, with what we ARE and what we carry inside us, even though our behavior and what we say is often the opposite to that… The picture that my daughter gave me as a present yesterday (featured photo), welcomed me in front of the monitor this morning and put everything in perspective for me again… And I promise to myself I will listen to all my advices and words of comfort and support that I gave to her yesterday!

What are your thoughts or experiences on the subject?

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